the shower storm has overtaken my eyes

i miss my family so much.
i talked to my brother today and my father wants to meet us in GA.
so next weekend it'll be me, my sister-in-law, and brother in a car driving to GA to see my mom and dad.
i'm so anxious.
it hurts me to know that i can't just see them.
and my mom is still sick...she still has good and bad days.
i'm thankful she isn't fighting for life anymore...
but she won't ever feel like herself anymore...
and i wish more than anything that God would pass her pain to me.
i don't want my mom to suffer any pain.
she's my best friend.
and my dad has been so sick lately.
and bc he waited so long to go to the hospital he lost part of his hearing in his ear.
i just wish i could take all their pain away.
they're such good ppl, they don't deserve this.
and i'm here, at school, trying to pretend that nothing is happening.
forcing smiles.
when deep, deep, deep down i'm hurting.
my family has gone through enough.
from my mother being in a depression my entire senior year to almost losing her, to almost losing one grandfather...to losing our other grandfather, my abuela from fl is sooo sick, my other one from ny is lonely and in denial...and she's in pain bc she won't grieve...having to watch my toughest uncles fall to their knees and cry...to seeing my cousins ask me when lelo would be back...my father refusing to walk to the coffin bc he refused to believe that was our grandfather....and me a pandora's box in human form.
i dunno...i just miss them...
i don't even know how my brothers are doing.
i'm missing my sister-in-laws entire pregnancy.
i haven't seen her at all and now she has a belly...
i don't get to spend all these holidays with my family.
i'm so jealous.
i'm jealous of a mother hunging her daughter.
i'm jealous of a father holding his daughter.
i'm jealous of a brother playing with his sister.
life is a cruel piece of work.
i think it gets a fix watching my family in pain.
or maybe just me.
i don't know.
i'm going to end this before too many thoughts sneak out.
i'll smile now.
it'll look real.
i'll look happy.
i'll laugh and joke.
and i'll pretend that i'm ok.
and i'll pretend that nothing is happening inside me.
i'll pretend that i don't cry at night before i go to sleep.
i'll pretend that i don't constantly try to see my grandfather in my mind.
i'll pretend that i'm not scared of losing his picture in my mind.
i'll pretend that i'm not afraid that my mother will be in the emergency room again.
i'll pretend that i was never in love.
i'll pretend that my heart isn't torn into pieces.
i'll pretend that i'm not hurting.
i'll pretend that i'm not missing my family.
i'll pretend that i don't think of them every second of my free thoughts.
i'll pretend...