I don't want to cry no more...

I feel like my throat is tightening and I can't breathe.
I feel the tears forming but I refuse to let them leave.
I feel like my heart has dropped 2 feet with no means to return.
I feel like my walls are crashing to the ground, ready to burn.

I call you to smile
I call to say Hi
I call to say I love you
I call to keep you close through the distance
I call for so many reasons but I do NOT call to fight
It's as if everytime we talk I can count down the moment until the first verbally aggressive words are exchanged
I can't take this anymore
I just want to say Hi, I love you, hope that you're doing well, and goodbye
I don't want to be like this but how can I not be?
I constantly feel my heart shreading slowly but surely everytime I get off the phone with you
AND if it's not you it's your significant other
It's as if you two play good cop bad cop, except your roles are ever changing
I can't call for advice because I am always wrong and it's always my fault
I can't call when I'm worried because it's my fault
I can't call for help because I'm reminded of when you already helped me
I can't ask for money because I already owe you
What am I supposed to do?
I just want to be able to talk to you two in peace, like we should be doing
I need our verbal communication...
You just don't understand how alone I am over here
Ever since you left I have been in a dazed state trying to figure out who I am
And that's only because as I was growing up you told me who I was supposed to be, who I was, who I will be, who you wanted me to be....
And now...I'm so lost because when I'm finally regaining my individuality...I'm wrong
What can I do to make you proud?
What can I do to help you understand?

---so lost...